LINCOLN, Neb. — Shine On, You Crazy Diamond 2023, a local Super Smash Bros. Ultimate tournament has decided to ban anyone named Steve from competing next month, just in case.
“We want to make this tournament fair and fun for all competitors, and unfortunately, Steve is just a game-breaking character that we feel needs to be removed from competitive play. The problem, however, is that we don’t have a large enough staff to justify just banning Steve’s infinite combos or unfair techniques, so we are forced to ban the entire character. And that includes any players named Steve, as well,” explained tournament organizer Alec Cooper. “Whether they were planning on playing as Steve or any other character, we have no way of knowing if anyone named Steve will be using what we consider illegal techniques during games. As for anyone named Steven, Stephan, or Enderman, we will be making decisions on those name choices shortly. We hope to run as smooth a tournament as possible.”
Players entered into the tournament, like with all Smash Bros related news, were conflicted upon hearing the decision, and began several explosive arguments on various social media sites.
“Honestly, I’m really glad to hear this,” said one player, Paige Harper. “I saw some clips floating around online with Steve pulling off insane infinites and he looks totally busted. Just get rid of that shit. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure that guy who modded a Wii to cheat in Melee with Pichu all those years ago was named Steve, so it’s probably better safe than sorry to just get rid of them all.”
“This is such bullshit. I entered into this tournament and I’m playing fucking Pyra/Mythra, and now I can’t even enter?!” said banned competitor Steve Ward. “I’ve defended this community through sexual assault drama, stinky player drama, accusations of playing a ‘dead game,’ and more, and now I’m kicked out of the scene just because my first name happens to match that of a character from Minecraft. You know what? Leffen was right about this game. I’m not sure about what, but he seems really mad all the time, so I’m sure he was right about something. And no, I’m not adding a fucking N to the end of my name.”
“See this is why I just play Melee,” said Daniela Hancock. “It came out 22 years ago perfectly formed and never needed a single change. No notes. Except wobbling, planking, and Jigglypuff. Those all need to go.”
At press time, Shine On, You Crazy Diamond 2023 decided to unban the character several hours later after more tweets seemed to be trending towards supporting that argument. No decisions have been made about players named Steve, however.