WESTFIELD, Ind. — Opening his throat and forcing a slew of glowing flasks down his throat, competitive eater Joey Chestnut reportedly solo-killed a final boss by speed-chugging a record 54 potions.
“I don’t want to have to wait for my teammates to regroup and have to coordinate attacks, I just downed all the regen and healing pots I had in one continuous gulp,” Chestnut said. “In addition to drinking the potions, I also ate thirty healing pieces of meat by dipping them in the potion so they will slide down my gullet a bit easier. After that I was unstoppable, I flew into a rage and crushed all three phases of the boss without needing any help. Usually after a boss fight I feel wounded, but this time I just felt a bit bloated.”
One of Chestnut’s teammates that had died during the boss fight gave his perspective of the match.
“It was magnificent, I’ve never seen someone guzzle so fast,” said Mark Vickrum. “I was really afraid of the boss fight, but now I’m even more afraid of Joey. The way he drank those potions was almost inhuman. I didn’t think someone with such a proportional frame could swallow that much. Toward the end he just started eating the bottles.”
The boss Chestnut defeated, Parnax the Demon Lord,
“Jesus. Christ.” the Demon Lord told reporters Monday. “I don’t even know what to say. I had my whole fight planned out and I see this guy right outside my layer just slamming pink and purple bottles for two straight minutes. I had no choice but to do my fight, but I can only slowly heal over time, this guy just bodied so many potions that for about two minutes, he was a living God. I don’t envy the next powerful enemy he has to fight.”
At press time, horrified sources reported that Chestnut’s hidden strategy for defeating the boss consisted of unhinging his jaw and swallowing him whole.