KAME HOUSE — An investigation by KBC News has revealed troubling connections between Earth’s most celebrated hero Son Goku and notorious pervert Master Roshi, a hermit who lives alone on a secluded island supposedly training children in martial arts.
“I don’t really know the guy. He didn’t teach me the Kamehameha. I learned it myself. I’m the best at Kamehameha. People say they’ve never seen a Kamehameha as good as mine,” Goku, who is also known by the alias Kakarot, said at a press conference, while doing 1,000 push-ups. “A lot of people trained me, okay? We’ve got people from all over the universe begging to train me. Great people. Some bald. Some cats. Some green. Some even black actually, very black. No one gives me credit for that one. I don’t remember them all. There could’ve been the bald one. Frankly, I don’t associate with them. I just train. Everyone knows that. I’m the best at training.”
The statement directly contradicts decades of evidence obtained by ZTV.
“We have literal footage of Goku living at Roshi’s home as a child, being gifted the iconic Flying Nimbus from him, and literally naming him as his martial arts master in five separate world tournaments,” ZTV investigative reporter. “I am not saying Goku did anything inappropriate but the revelations stem from a newly unsealed capsule log detailing Roshi’s long history of sexual misconduct that includes rampant voyeurism, unsolicited groping, and distributing pornography to minors. Most of which Goku was either present or aware of.”
Master Roshi refused to comment to journalists about these allegations, but released a statement via his podcast The Kame-Kast.
“This is just another cancel-culture witch hunt, plain and simple. You can’t even compliment a woman’s voluptuous… aura anymore without some woke kai telling you it’s predatory. Some women like compliments,” Master Roshi said as his nostrils erupted in a profuse nosebleed. “If women don’t want to get cat-called, they shouldn’t be dressing up in revealing bunny costumes and bikinis all the time. Back in my day, a man could ogle girly books and watch work-out videos without people calling him a creep! Goku has gone soft, this planet’s gotten soft. ”
At press time, Goku Instant Transmissioned away when confronted by reporters about the travel logs of Roshi’s sea turtle associate, Umigame.
