HYRULE — A guard stationed in Hyrule Castle’s courtyard has clarified his assigned duties after a recent series of security breaches.
“I have very specific orders when it comes to my patrol,” said Stritch Kasuto, who has been a member of the Royal Guard for 15 years. “I walk in a circle around a wooden pillar set between a couple of hedges, stopping periodically to look left and right. There used to be some Rupees lying on the ground that I would keep an eye on, but those just disappeared one day. The union contract doesn’t mention anything about watching for people walking on the pergola above me, no matter how loud or obvious they’re being. It’s like we learned in training: our job isn’t to catch trespassers, it’s to get home safely to our families in Kakariko Village every night.”
Impa, personal guard to Princess Zelda and director of all castle security operations, dismissed public concerns about the safety of the Royal Family in light of this information.
“The disrespect I’ve been hearing about our guards is completely uncalled for,” said Impa, speaking to reporters after a royal reception for Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo. “These guards represent the best of us and deserve deference from the citizens of Hyrule. The media pushes these misleading narratives in an attempt to divide and weaken us. If you look at the numbers my office has released, the night guard actually has a 100% success rate.”
Despite these reassurances, accused trespasser Ulrira Juggler says that his firsthand experience proves the defenses at the castle are inadequate.
“I was trying to get a look at Princess Zelda,” said Juggler, whose name does not appear on any offender registries. “It was a piece of cake to get by the guards. I could tell they saw me, but I knew if I kept my distance, they wouldn’t hassle me. I was only caught because I got stuck in a drain hole and started screaming. They didn’t even arrest me. They said it would be too much paperwork. I heard they’ve increased the patrols, but that’s just a scam for them to earn more overtime.”
The Castle Guard Union was unable to provide comment before press time, as they were busy investigating a grievance claim regarding an incident where a guard was ordered to look behind a hedge.
