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Historically Shit-Sucking Gamer Thinks He’s Battle Royale God After Unknowingly Beating First Round of Bots

GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen, who has sucked shit at every single video game he has ever played, is convinced that he is a battle royale god after winning his first game of Spellbreak unknowingly against 42 bots.

“I’ve been god-awful at every single video game I have ever played… but I guess I’m a fucking Spellbreak god?!” Olsen said to friends, according to those familiar with the situation. “It’s crazy — the mechanics are basically the exact same as pretty much every other battle royale game I’ve played, and like I said, I’m fucking trash at all those. But I guess, for whatever reason, something clicked. I won my first game with fifteen kills. I better hope this ends up being the next big game, because I’m basically Ninja.”

Olsen’s longtime friends and teammates expressed skepticism.

“He said the exact same thing when he played mobile PUBG for the first time. Kept mowing down default skin guys standing completely still with names like Roger57891725,” said Carl Faulk, a mid-tier player who Olsen describes as “the most incredible gamer” he has ever seen. “It’s gonna suck for the first few games, when he’s giving constant advice about how to strafe properly or whatever, but a few zero kill games should drop that confidence back down to tolerable.”

At press time, Olsen was debating whether to keep playing Spellbreak or just let his K/D ratio sit at 15 forever.

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