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Hiker Accidentally Triggers Boss Fight

IDLEWILD, Calif. — Outdoor enthusiast Jacob Sussman found himself in a world of hurt after accidentally triggering a boss battle while on a day hike in the mountains of California. 

“I’ve been grinding out rabbit encounters for the last six months, so I’m super confident,” Sussman was heard saying to friends before the hike. “Plus I have this walking stick that gives me +5 to melee, and +10 to stability, so I’m ready for anything the mountain can throw at me. Worst comes to worst, I just run to the nearest campfire and I’ll be totally fine.”

Sources close to the information confirmed, however, that Sussman was clearly not ready for the area’s final boss.

“That’s a really tough encounter — I don’t fancy his odds,” said level 34 Park Ranger Josh Skiba. “The bear boss is particularly brutal. Almost none of his moves are parryable, the slope of his arena makes dodge rolls ineffective, and he inflicts a huge amount of bleed damage. Most hikers are just looking to go on a nice walk to exercise or impress someone on a sporty date; they’re not trying to melee down the health of a massive bear with just their fists or walking stick.”

“Everyone who works at the park is equipped with a bow and arrows exactly for this reason,” Skiba explained. “We’re constantly needing to use ranged attacks to help hikers out of this encounter.”

Skiba went on to say that the boss was known for shredding through low level players who show up under equipped, often still using just the basic REI starting gear.

“At a minimum, you’re gonna need the bear spray item,” said Skiba. “It has an AOE effect that deals huge damage to the boss, and can also one shot the squirrels he might send out to you in waves. Unfortunately, it looks like Jaocb didn’t complete the ‘Visit the local town and buy it’ side quest.”

At press time, Sussman was attempting to cheese the boss using the infamous play dead glitch, which confuses the bosses pathfinding and causes it to drop aggro.

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