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Guy No One Misses Apologizes for Lack of Posts

SEACAUCUS, N.J. — Account Specialist Brian Kelly, 37, a guy who consistently fails to make a lasting impression on friends, co-workers, and family members, posted on his Twitter account yesterday, apologizing to the uncaring masses about his lack of recent posts.

“Sorry about the lack of updates recently,” said Kelly’s post . “Things have just been really hectic (sigh). Hope I can stay more consistent with my content in the future. 🙂”

Readers of Kelly’s tweet were baffled by the sentiment, many of them immediately checking their Twi- oh. I mean, X, I guess, settings to find out why they see twe- uh, posts, from someone they don’t follow.

“I don’t know who this fucker is,” said Kelly’s cousin, Connor Donnelly, 35, “or why he thinks I’m interested in his ambiguous wishy-washy bullshit. Is he sighing or smiling? Pick a lane, dick.”

Some social media users provided Kelly with ‘likes’ out of pity, hoping that more popular users would see their charity and reward them with objectively meaningless social clout in return. Unfortunately, Kelly misinterpreted this behavior as whole-hearted endorsement of his contributions online.

“Wow, two likes?!” Kelly shouted to his empty apartment. “I’ve doubled my fanbase. I need to start producing more content now, before this wildfire peters out. I knew I would come out of this posting hiatus a better creator. I’m in my groove now!”

As of press time there is no indication of what, if any, content Kelly produces.