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Guy at Barcade Pretty Sure Ms. Pac-Man Wants to Fuck Him

NORTHAMPTON, Mass. — A patron at Coinline, a local bar that hosts dozens of retro arcade cabinets, is fairly certain that Ms. Pac-Man wants to screw his brains out, sources close to the situation confirmed.

“I spent the whole night with her, man,” said Sam Allen, who noted that Ms. Pac-Man had even asked for his name after he achieved a high score. “She could’ve ended the interaction any time she wanted. We just had a connection, you know? It’s like we were cut from the same cloth. We’re both foodies. We’re both scared of ghosts. We both feel a little lost in this crazy labyrinth that we call the modern world. I don’t care what my friends say; I’m asking for her number.”

Allen’s friends had indeed cautioned him to not get emotionally involved with the video game icon.

“We’ve told him a million times: she’s just being nice because you’re a paying customer,” said Allen’s friend Craig Erwin, who said he intentionally played Rampage as either George or Ralph to avoid any awkward voyeurism. “It’s literally her job. She was set in attract mode, for God’s sake. It’s honestly super embarrassing and he’s just going to make a fool of himself, like that time he derailed our Dungeons and Dragons campaign because he wanted to, ‘settle down,’ with an NPC.”

Coinline’s manager, Orson Clyde, said that the establishment monitors situations like this very closely.

“We don’t tolerate any inappropriate behavior towards our staff,” said Clyde. “If this guy just has a crush and keeps it to himself, that’s one thing. However, if he crosses the line and harrasses Ms. Pac-Man, we will not hesitate to remove him from the premises. We’ve done it before. It’s usually men we’re asking to leave, but ever since we got that Q*bert machine…I mean, Jesus. We’ve had to ban bachelorette parties. It’s disgusting.”

At press time, Allen was seen losing his temper and making a scene after another patron began playing the Ms. Pac-Man cabinet.

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