DOVER, Ohio — Popular food ordering and delivery app Grubhub has just received a huge update, adding many new modes and quality of life changes, most notably a new competitive ranked mode.
“Finally! My friends and I have always argued who’s the better Grubhub user, but now I can go head-to-head in real time,” said Grubhub user Simon Belleview. “With the new ranked mode, I get to absolutely gorge myself and earn bragging rights among my friends who can be the laziest and least frugal with their money. I used to just eat food for sustenance to continue living, but doing it online with people yelling racial slurs at me has provided a gaming experience I didn’t know I was missing.”
Grubhub staff gave a statement of how the competitive format works, as well as exciting promises for the future of professional food ordering.
“After completing ten placement meals, the automatic Grubhub Elo calculator assigns you a ranking from Anorexic to Joey Chestnut,” said Grubhub developer Cheryl Blumenfeld. “Now casual Grubhub users no longer have to occupy the same space as determined, hardened Grubhub veterans who want to spend more money and send the most abusive direct messages to their respective delivery drivers. We’re even looking into rolling out the Grubhub Esports league, where players from around the world can compete, adding side sauces and removing toppings on a national stage.”
The app’s new mode has already cultivated its own gaming celebrities.
“Every day I wake up and stream a few warm-up snacks before getting right into a few hours of 1v1’s,” said Grubhub Twitch Streamer Eric Wembley. “I take a brief three-hour bathroom break around noon and then get back to eating, furiously stuffing my face and ranking up to unlock new utensils and additional napkins.”
At press time, the delivery app had unfortunately reported that due to excessive queue times, many users had reportedly died of starvation.
