NEW YORK — Local gamer Jacob Schwartz has become the object of shame and ridicule after referring to Kratos, the main character and father figure from the God of War games, as “dad” while discussing the latest entry in the series with his friends.
“It’s so great to re-enter the God of War world again,” said Schwartz, moments before completely humiliating himself. “The world building is really fantastic, and I had forgotten how visceral the combo-chaining in the combat system feels. Plus, I really love the story and it’s so much fun to see dad again.”
Since this unfortunate slip of the tongue, Schwartz, who lacks a strong male role model figure in his life, has been on the receiving end of mockery from his entire friend group, who have even gone so far as to rename their group chat “Daddy Kratos’ Good Boys.”
“I’ve met Jake’s dad, and this totally adds up,” said Schwartz’s close friend Doug Ogden, who has been making fun of him relentlessly since the incident. “He’s a skinny accountant and probably couldn’t kill a draugr for shit, so it makes sense that he’d imprint on Kratos instead. Still, Mr. Schwartz is a real life person who deserves the love and respect of his son, and it is a bit of a concerning mistake. I hope Jake puts down the controller and calls his dad soon.”
Schwartz, for his part, says he misspoke, and meant to say how much he loved watching Kratos step up into the role of dad in God of War Ragnarök.
“Obviously, I don’t think Kratos is my dad, and I would never say that on purpose,” said Schwartz, getting visibly choked up while still processing his error. “Do I wish that maybe sometimes my dad would teach me how to hunt, or that we could go canoeing together? Or that he would impart important hard-fought life lessons to me? Sure, I mean, who wouldn’t?”
At press time, Schwartz’s friends were reminiscing in the group chat that the incident was not nearly as embarrassment-inducing as the time Schwartz accidentally referred to Resident Evil’s Lady Dimitrescu as mommy.
