CHICAGO — Local Gamer Doug Pearson, 31, has reportedly begun his yearly ritual of spraying absolutely everything with compressed air and calling it cleaning, according to concerned sources.
According to Pearson’s partner Grace Gilmore, compressed air is the only thing he cleans with.
“At first I thought it was kind of cute, but the charm wore off once I realized he was serious,” said Gilmore. “He swears by the stuff and refuses to clean with anything else. I’ve tried getting him to sweep, use a duster, wash some dishes, but no. If it’s not compressed air, he doesn’t want any part of it.”
Lizzy Pearson, Doug’s mom, claims that Doug’s odd behavior is nothing new, but that he wasn’t always this way.
“When Doug was a boy he used to love helping around the house. He was always giving me a hand with the laundry, scrubbing floors, shampooing the carpets. He really seemed to enjoy the work,” Lizzy recalls. “But when he was fifteen or so, Doug started building computers and spending a lot of time on Reddit. I was happy that he had found a hobby, but something changed in Doug after that. He would order cases of compressed air to the house, he was obsessed.”
Doug, however, holds fast to his fixation, asserting that his reliance on the product is well-founded.
“Of course I’m obsessed, I don’t understand why people still use anything else,” argues Pearson. “It started as a safe way to clean my computer parts; no need for any washrags, soap, or other materials that might damage the components. Then, I started exploring other applications: Crumbs in the carpet? Spray it with air. Dirty dishes? Spray ‘em with air. Recently, I’ve even been experimenting with utilizing compressed air in stain removal, but so far the results are inconclusive.”
At press time, Pearson’s apartment was filthy, but his $4,000 Multipurpose Gaming/Watching/Working Setup? Spotless.
