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Gamers Beware: Rockstar Is Lacing Every New Copy of GTA 5 With Fentanyl

This Halloween, it’s important to be safe while gaming. That’s why we want to warn any readers of our video game website to be extremely cautious while opening copies of Grand Theft Auto V, because rumor has it that Rockstar is lacing each disc with the extremely potent drug fentanyl.

According to sources from within Rockstar, the company is planning a new rerelease of the popular 2013 action-adventure game to begin on Halloween night 2022, although this time, it’s a secret edition. This new edition, internally named Grand Theft Auto V: Fentanyl Edition, will hit stores and houses with a very special type of DLC… killer drugs. As if created by the demonic criminals the game promotes, each disc will be covered in fentanyl, ready to kill whoever touches it. Why are they doing this? No one can say for sure other than that some people are just sickos who want to watch gamers, the most vulnerable population in the world, die horrible deaths. 

We need to stay extremely careful over the course of the next few weeks. If you can avoid it, do not buy any copies of Grand Theft Auto V and do not accept it as a gift from strangers — or even loved ones. Sometimes the people closest to you are the ones who are most likely to poison you with fentanyl because they do not understand your video game hobby. If you absolutely must buy a copy of Grand Theft Auto V, do not touch the box with your bare hands. When you bring it into your home, make sure to wear gloves and a hazard mask if you have access to one. Carefully remove the disc and use a fentanyl-testing kit to ensure the safety of the game. We predict something like 75% will contain the deadly drug all over the game.

Keep in mind: if you touch or breathe the air near fentanyl, you will die instantly within the next few hours, so avoid doing so at all costs. Luckily, as gamers, we are very skilled with our hands, and should be able to skillfully test our games without much cost. That’s where our attackers have failed: underestimating gamers. Gamers yearn not to die in our houses handling drugs, but to die on the battlefields of our games, waiting three seconds to respawn.

Please be safe this Halloween. If you can, avoid friends and family — there’s nothing more important than staying home, staying safe, and staying gaming.