TUCSON, Ariz. — A local gamer has released a statement outlining how much he pines for the simpler, purer era of several hours earlier today.
“This morning was really special, I just didn’t realize it,” said Marty Thacker, a 29 year old video game enthusiast. “Maybe it was because I was still a little sleepy still, but I did not appreciate just how fulfilling today’s breakfast and morning Judge Judy rerun were. They should really replay that sometime, instead of all this prime time bullshit they keep cranking out.”
Several friends of Thacker’s said he has a tendency of romanticizing the recent past at the expense of the current moment.
“Doesn’t matter where Marty is or what he is doing,” said a long time friend Tracy Chambers. “Things were always better a little while ago, and we need to revisit that. Even though in two weeks he’ll be talking about how great the thing he was complaining about two weeks ago was. It’s complete nonsense and I am sick of it. I spent years trying to get him to play Castle Crashers, and he wouldn’t dare touch my 360. Now, he calls it a ‘wonderful throwback to the golden era of couch co-op games.’ What an asshole.”
In an effort to recreate the early morning hours he yearns for, Thacker has been watching Judge Judy reruns on YouTube and has eaten nothing but Rice Krispies in the subsequent afternoon and evening generations that followed the morning.
“I’m glad you can find all of these episodes online, but it’s not the same as when it was on broadcast TV earlier today,” he said. “These episodes just watch better on a TV screen in my living room than on some sketchy internet upload. And I love Rice Krispies, but I’m starting to wonder if eating them all day every day is the best way to celebrate that.”
As of press time, Cramer has issued a second press release asking the media if they remembered that time he put out that first press release.
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