MONROE, Ohio — Following a time-honored Super Smash Bros. tradition to even the score between players, local gamer and mourning friend Dave Werner took a homie stock at the funeral of his friend, Paul Mason, whom he believed had self-destructed unintentionally.
“When I heard Paul died, I was devastated,” said Werner, who attempted to take his own stock by going out-of-bounds and is now in critical condition. “Once I found out it was because he tripped down a flight of stairs, I knew that was some total BS from his surroundings. It’s only fair to even the odds. I just thought Paul would have wanted it this way.”
Werner was initially one of the pallbearers for the funeral, but quickly sprinted away from the proceedings once they reached the cemetery.
“He just started running while they were carrying Paul’s coffin and screamed about having to hit the stage boundary, whatever that means,” said Allegra Mason, Paul’s wife. “Thanks to him, the other pallbearers lost their balance and Paul’s body tumbled out of the coffin onto his son. I’m used to putting up with Paul’s weird college friends, but this is a new low.”
Despite the heartfelt act of respect to his friend, Werner’s actions were viewed as immature and reckless by most of the funeral party.
“That was a really foolish thing Dave did. Nobody homie stocks when you’re down to your last life,” George Sanders explained. “He probably just did it cause he knew he couldn’t beat Paul even with the lead.”
Others were less critical of Werner and wished they had been able to talk him off of the ledge he’d been dangling from.
“God works in mysterious ways, and sometimes that means he plays with stage hazards on,” pastor Frank Taylor said. “I’m praying that Mr. Werner will understand this and accept that his friend is in a better place now. Taking a homie stock might seem like the answer, but grief is actually like that one Super Mario Galaxy themed stage where if you run off screen you just end up on the other side back where you started.”
At press time, Werner reportedly filled up his Limit Gauge but, but shot off a Blade Beam at no one in particular, because it felt unfair.
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