DOVER, England. — Long time video game journalist and castle enthusiast, Glen Hubert, has traded in his pen for a bat to take on his new role as a castle gatekeeper.
Hubert confirmed his new role, while talking to rookie journalists he refused to let in during his gate shift at the castle, earlier this week. In that time, Hubert also revealed that he owns a stake in the castle.
“I spent a lot of time in castles previously. It has always been my dream to own one,” Hubert said before threatening to bludgeon a rookie reporter who got too close to the gate. “I would love to let all of you in, but it is just not possible at the moment. It’s a small castle, so things are a bit tight in there. We are also busy cleaning out the dungeon and ranking our favorite meads, so just give us some time to get all that done and then maybe we can fit a few of you in.”
Hubert paced in front of the gate, bat in hand, as he described what it would take to get more people into the castle.
“More money of course, but that doesn’t guarantee any of you will get in either,” Hubert said before opening the gate for a friend who was recently laid off. “I don’t know how any of you would act in a castle. You are certainly not coming in here and acting a fool in our castle. If you want to riff raff, go build your own castle to riff raff in. It’s really easy as long as you have tons of connections from other castles.”
When pressed for how individuals could eventually gain access to a castle, Hubert’s advice left many out in the cold.
“It was never that easy to get into a castle. Back when I was coming up, there were a lot of castles to choose between,” Hubert said before threatening the crowd with his bat again. “There are less castles now and even less opportunities to enter those castles. Plus, anyone who enters any of those remaining legacy castles now, is worse than the scum between my toes. I don’t have a clear cut path for those of you who want to enter a castle, but it shouldn’t be through those other castles, and it isn’t going to be through our castle. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some mead to rank.”
At press time, Hubert returned momentarily to the castle walls to lift a side entrance ladder out of reach of reporters.
