VATICAN CITY — Despite his devotion to the Catholic Church and all things related to God, heaven, and holiness, a conflicted Pope Francis admitted this week that games in the “bullet hell” genre are actually pretty tight.
“Initially, I have to admit that I avoided the scary-sounding genre altogether,” said Pope Francis, now wearing a DoDonPachi t-shirt in place of his typical ceremonial cassock. “Were it called ‘bullet heaven,’ I may have given it a shot sooner. But after relinquishing myself and playing countless hours of Ikaruga on my Nintendo GameCube, I have to admit these games are fucking sweet. Excuse my language.”
According to various sources within the papacy, the Pope’s discovery of the intimidating genre was completely by accident.
“His Holiness recently started playing through Cuphead for the first time, after learning the game focused on two innocent young boys who are taken advantage of by the Devil in a casino,” said one unnamed cardinal close to Pope Francis. “Several of the bosses in the game involve flying around in a plane, while constantly shooting and dodging attacks. We were shocked to later discover that this was paying homage to a genre known as ‘bullet hell’. It took him several days to recover from the shock, but after that his shmup obsession took root pretty quickly.”
Pope Francis’ fascination with the genre has reportedly only increased over time.
“Just… have to discover the patterns,” muttered a distracted Pope Francis, gripping a controller tightly. “Currently I am working my way through the extensive Touhou Project series, so I’ve got my work cut out for me. Everything else can wait. Why do you think I have so many servants or bluejays or whatever they’re called? Ah, shit, blew my perfect run! Jesus fucking Christ.”
At press time, Pope Francis admitted that if hell can be this enjoyable, maybe it isn’t so bad after all.