NEW YORK — Local gamer Seth Reyes attempted to harness the powers of God Himself by building his own computer from scratch, according to those familiar with the situation.
“I tried to warn him — no mere mortal should be granted the ability to breathe life into a PC. Playing God can come with a dangerous toll,” said Reyes’ longtime roommate Cole Brennan. “There are dark scrolls deep within computer forums and Reddit threads that can teach you this power, but they are spells no thoughtful gamer should trifle with. Cooling fans, processors, graphics cards… these are the instruments of those who created the heavens. To laugh in the face of such powers, sewing and stitching the parts of a computer together into a rig powerful enough to play any video game at the highest setting, is the work of demons.”
Despite Brennan’s warnings, Reyes reportedly went through with the treacherous procedure.
“Fools and cowards play games with their pre-built PCs. Who’s to say that only God should have the power to order parts? Why am I considered an ‘egomaniac,’ when it is He who thinks no one else should be able to decide which graphics card to match with which motherboard? Ahaha! The RGB lights will glow gloriously in my bedroom once I have mastered this alchemy that men have yearned for since the dawn of time!” he said, maniacally unpacking various parts he had ordered on the internet. “Once I boot up, I will know… I HAVE CREATED LIFE FROM NOTHING!”
At press time, Reyes’ water-based cooling system burst, somehow filling his apartment with enough water to drown both him and Brennan.