Press "Enter" to skip to content

Dry Bones Has Panic Attack at Xylophone Recital

ROGUEPORT — Noted Bowser minion Dry Bones experienced a frightening mental breakdown during a student’s performance at a local xylophone recital, sources in attendance confirmed.

“I had seen him earlier, before the show started. I guess his nephew had a showcase today,” said Paul Traverso, father of one of the recital’s performers. “I had totally forgotten he was here until this one kid played a wonky descending scale, and suddenly all hell broke loose. Dry Bones just started screaming and charged the stage. I couldn’t make out what he was saying, but the guy totally lost it. I mean, he really fell to pieces.”

Security at the event had difficulty subduing the skeletal turtle, with one guard describing the incident as difficult and frustrating.

“It was a real struggle to hold him back,” said Curtis Rojas, an employee of Glitz Pit Security. “I could get him down to the floor pretty easily, but right when I thought he was finished, he would pull himself together and stand back up. It honestly felt a little unfair, like it was breaking some kind of unwritten rule about everything I’ve experienced in this career. Every other enemy I’ve encountered has just stayed defeated, so I don’t understand why things were different this time.”

A recorded livestream of the event revealed what Dry Bones was screaming while fighting security and attempting to mount the stage.

“You don’t know what it’s like!” shrieked the fleshless Koopa. “No one fucking knows! You all say, ‘What’s the matter, Dry Bones? What are you worried about? You can’t die!’ Well, you know what’s worse than death? Lying there helplessly while a chubby guy in overalls murders all of your friends! You just have to watch! And every single time it happens, you hear that sound! Why? Why would you teach a child to play that sound? I might be a horrific skeleton beast, but you’re the real monsters!”

Organizers of the event reported that the recital continued after Dry Bones had been removed, only to be interrupted again when Yoshi left the auditorium to take a phone call and Baby Mario started crying.

Hello adventurer! Please collect five USD skins a month and head to our Patreon.
Become a patron at Patreon!