As a gamer and an athlete, my favorite genre of video games is sports games. From Madden to FIFA, I love how video games recreate the feeling of playing a sport in the digital world, translating each and every nuance into something everybody can enjoy. That’s why, as a professional Genital Jouster, I was extremely excited to discover that, in 2018, developer Free Lives and publisher Devolver Digital released a video game based on my beloved pastime called Genital Jousting. I was quickly dismayed, however, to discover that the game fails to capture the aspects of the real sport of Genital Jousting in any way.
The real life Genital Jousting isn’t some colorful joke. It’s a very passionate sport that involves two penised-people, fully erect, charging at each other at full speed, trying to knock their foe onto the ground. It’s extremely intense and strategic — it requires the jouster to be in tip-top shape physically, mentally, and penisly. And my family has been participating internationally in this sport for nearly 200 years! I take Genital Jousting very seriously, as all competitors do, which is why I’m known around the world as The Stinger, for my extremely small, but powerful, penis that my enemies find difficult to take down. This is my life and I was excited to see it brought to the masses in the form of video games.
But the Devolver game Genital Jousting seems to take absolutely no inspiration from the real life sport played by dozens worldwide, aside from the inclusion of penises. First of all, aesthetically, the game is all over the place. I’m willing to let artists take artistic liberties, but in real life, Genital Jousting is not bright and colorful — it is played primarily in a field, in the dark of night so as to not alert authorities. There are also quite notably humans (and in one occasion, a very intelligent dog) attached to these penises. They’re not just roaming around on their own in little costumes.
Most importantly, though, the penises in the real life sport of Genital Jousting are ALWAYS erect. How can you joust genitals with a floppy piece? It would be like if you participated in non-genital Horse Jousting with pool noodles! It’s absolutely ridiculous and insulting. The single player story is completely unrelatable to someone who ACTUALLY (genital) jousts in the REAL WORLD because I feel no connection to this complete fantasy. This is not what my sport has ever looked like and the challenges of this game do not represent the very complex challenges I face in my real life, such as evading the law, bruises in my pelvic region, and strategizing my run to perfectly place my erect penis into my opponent in order to knock them down.
Ultimately, it is just disappointing to see. Free Lives and Devolver Digital could have had something really special in their hands to play with, but instead they’re just jerking us around with this joke game that has nothing to do with the real Genital Jousting. If someone was willing to take the precision of a game like FIFA and apply it to the penis-based sport that I love, it would be the best game I’ve ever played. But instead, it’s just a bunch of dicks.
Wow! This is sponsored by Devolver Digital and even though Genital Jousting may not be a real sport (officially), Genital Jousting IS a real video game that you should play because it is very fun. You can get it on Steam right now for $6.99 which is VERY CLOSE to the funny sex number that everyone loves. Also it’s not a lot of money, so that’s a perky penis perk.