NEW YORK — Local man Woody Steele reportedly finds the Devolver Digital game Stick It to the Stickman “very relatable,” according to terrified sources who work closely with him.
“Look, I love Spider-Man and God of War and all that shit. But at the end of the day, I’m not a Greek god, I don’t have a son to look after, I have no powers, and I have no responsibility. The video game that I relate to more than anything in the world is the one where you play as a guy who beats the shit out of his co-workers. And that’s Stick It to the Stickman,” Steele explained. “When I get home from a grueling day at the office, there’s nothing I love to do more than loosen my tie, unwind, and play as a stick avatar of myself, slicing through hundreds upon hundreds of stick figures that I pretend are the people at my job who annoy me all day. Is that so bad?”
Close sources reveal that Steele has not been particularly subtle about his desire to beat the crap out of those he works with.
“He’s constantly talking about how much he loves that game. It’s like, yeah, we get it. We’re the enemies,” said Caitlin Castro, who works in the cubicle next to Steele’s. “One time he picked up a stapler and I thought he was actually gonna throw it at me for real. I don’t think video games cause real world violence or anything, but it’s a little freaky to say the least. But I guess it’s good that he has an outlet to let those feelings out that doesn’t hurt anyone in the real world. Also it’s good that he can’t do a kamehameha in the real world, either.”
“It’s a cool game; I get it. I also enjoyed bulldozing through fifty stick figures that I could pretend were the people at HR who haven’t approved my salary bump yet,” she added. “But that’s not the kind of escapism I want in my life. When I get home from work, I’m not trying to imagine murdering all my co-workers — I’m trying to relax. That’s why I’m playing Call of Duty and imagining murdering enemy combatants in a war simulator.”
Steele claims it has helped his productivity, however.
“It makes it a lot easier to get through the day knowing I can go home and take out my frustrations on the sticks. It’s just the sticks!” he said. “Ever since I found an old copy of the game, I’ve gotten Employee of the Month four months in a row. When the new HD version comes out, I feel like I’ll end up being CEO of this place.”
At press time, one of Steele’s co-workers went crazy and tried to attack someone, but was thankfully thwarted when Steele backflipped over the wall of a cubicle and expertly smashed him in the head with a computer monitor, shocking onlookers and himself.
This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! Check out the demo of Stick It to the Stickman on Steam to imagine YOURSELF beating up all your co-workers!
