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Desperate Smash Bros. Fan Resorts to Fighting Over Mario Kart Roster Inclusions

GREENSBORO, N.C. — A fan of the Super Smash Bros. series has reportedly begun starting fights over the roster of the Mario Kart franchise due to the recent inclusion of Birdo, in an anguished attempt to relive erstwhile memories.

“Birdo sucks SO HARD! Nintendo should have chosen someone that us real fans have been clamoring for since the beginning of Mario Kart, like Geno or Crash Bandicoot,” Martino Jordan said in his latest YouTube video on his channel, MysticalMartino’s Gamez Lair. “I can’t believe people would actually pay for this blight against us. I mean, come on, ANOTHER Mario character? What obvious bias. Where is the love for classic video game characters that have been biding their time. Those who’ve been waiting for their rightful spot in Mario Kart, such as Lloyd Irving.”

Others are happy for the inclusion of the classic Mario character.

“Yeah, I was super excited to see Birdo!” Dianne Sebastian, local Nintendo fan, said. “I thought they were only going to add new courses, so having any new characters is just great. I remember playing as Birdo and Yoshi in Double Dash, they were my favorite. But when I retweeted the trailer saying how excited I was, this guy came from nowhere and started to insult me. He called me an idiot for being happy about it, saying that 2B or Alucard would’ve been much better inclusions. I just blocked him, but I think he has alt accounts because no more than a day later I got more replies telling me the same thing. I didn’t even play Nier Automata!”

We reached out to a Nintendo representative for comment on this issue.

“I swear to God, I have nothing to do with who gets into Mario Kart,” Masahiro Sakurai, renowned creator of Super Smash Bros. said. “I thought once I gave you freaks Sora you’d stop, but you’ll never stop do you? I’ll be walking into heaven and St. Peter’s going to try and get me to confirm Doom Slayer in Smash Bros. 100 or something. Every day is a living nightmare and I have you all to blame.”

At press time, Jordan has begun an online petition to try and convince Nintendo that Waluigi should be added into Mario Kart, again.

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