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Depressed Fire Emblem Character Doesn’t Have Enough Movement to Get Out of Bed Today

GARREG MACH MONASTERY — Sources inside the Garreg Mach Monastery’s Officers Academy have confirmed that mercenary-turned-teacher Byleth has not left his bedroom for several days due to what he is calling poor use of action economy.

“I just can’t seem to get out of bed,” said Byleth, who appeared to be staring through the book in his hands. “I must have used my action to read this book before I moved. Or maybe that edible I took counted as healing. Either way, I don’t have any movement left, and it’s all because I’m a worthless moron who is always making stupid mistakes like this. I’m useless. I long for permadeath.”

Some students at the monastery expressed concern for the teacher, saying that they considered him a close friend.

“I really miss him. It’s like he spent so much time and effort building up our relationship and then just vanished,” said Edelgard, leader of the Black Eagles student house. “For weeks, he was showering me with my favorite gifts — carnations, board games, teddy bears wearing suits of armor — you name it, he gave it to me. He even spent hours looking for my favorite white glove after I mentioned I had lost it. After all of that effort to get into my good graces, it’s strange that he’s just holed up in his bedroom all the time. Also, he hasn’t taught any classes all week, which is kind of the reason he’s here in the first place.”

Fellow Officers Academy staff were also worried and confused by Byleth’s sudden reclusiveness.

“The timing couldn’t be worse,” said Seteth, who refused to give his age. “I really need his help with a matter regarding the Western Church on the Rhodos Coast. My, um, sister Flayn is insisting on joining me, and I require a capable fighter to look after her and keep her safe so that I may focus on the battle. I was hoping that Byleth would be able to assist me with this. We have become close recently, and I was going to use this as an opportunity to reveal my deepest, darkest secret. I suppose whatever he is dealing with must be important, as well.”

At press time, a servant reported that, while Byleth had still not moved, he had entered battle with his own inner demons.