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Con Attendee Regretting Death Stranding Cosplay

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — With a visibly pained expression on his face and his body seemingly on the verge of collapse, local con attendee Derek Christensen expressed regret over his unfortunate decision to cosplay as Death Stranding protagonist Sam Porter Bridges, sources confirmed.

“Getting through security with all of these giant metal briefcases alone took about an hour and 45 minutes,” said Christensen, dripping with sweat as he attempted to navigate the crowds while enduring the weight of the highly stacked cargo that Sam Porter Bridges is known for carrying on his back. “Plus, I probably should have focused on literally any other part of the character design. I thought the costume wouldn’t be recognizable enough so I went with just the luggage and now everyone just thinks I’m trying to find my hotel.”

Friends who attended the con with Christensen say they feel bad for him, but they’re not surprised by his level of commitment.

“From what I’ve seen of the game, I don’t think you’re forced to carry hundreds of pounds of weight all the time, so I think it was a personal choice for Derek to bring exactly nine metal briefcases,” said Christensen’s friend Donna Frank, wearing a seasonally appropriate and comfortable cosplay of Janet from The Good Place. “Say what you will about his decision making abilities, but when that guy picks a character to cosplay as, he sure does commit to the role.”

“He should have just put on a wig.”

At press time, sources say that Christensen’s mood about his predicament had lightened a bit once he realized his nine briefcases could be used to store all of the Funko Pops he planned on purchasing.

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