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Chiropractor Mario Insists You Call Him “Doctor”

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local plumber and chiropractor Mario Mario is facing criticism after reports surfaced claiming that he had been misleading his clients into believing that he had obtained a medical degree.

“I just wish he had been up front with me,” said patient Brian Kinopio, who said he had initially been referred to Mario for treatment of back pain by his previous primary physician. “He was telling me all these things that my old doctor was apparently doing wrong. He said I should start seeing him instead, and he would get me truly aligned. Well, my back is worse than ever, and I’ve missed several annual cancer screenings that people my age are supposed to get. And yet he still corrects me if I don’t address him as ‘Dr.’ Mario. It’s just shameless.”

Dr. Toadley, an accredited physician who runs a clinic in Toad town, strongly rebuked Mario’s claims, which he characterized as deceptive.

“Is chiropractic medicine evidence-based? No, it is not,” said Toadley, who claimed to know literally everything. “Would a chiropractor understand how to perform essential medical procedures like hypnotism and seeing the future in a crystal ball? No, they would not. They only know mystical nonsense that the founder claimed he learned from the ghost of a dead doctor. Seriously, that’s what chiropractic is based on. Look it up.”

Despite the amount of public criticism, Mario was not shy about defending himself.

“I complete-a the three years-a required education,” said Mario, who was wearing a lab coat and head mirror despite the fact that he was not at his practice. “I take-a the state-a test for my license. I put in-a the work! I perform-a the procedures to relieve-a vertebral subluxation and-a rid my patients of-a contagious disease-a! I deserve-a the respect!” 

At press time, Dry Bones was seen entering Mario’s clinic, where the receptionist welcomed him as the practice’s best patient.

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