SAN FRANCISCO — After a tenured career of only bad ideas and loads of controversy, Unity CEO John Riccitiello is reportedly stepping down from his position and definitely not getting fired and kicked on his way out the door.
“We thank John for his many years of service, or whatever you’re supposed to say in a situation like this,” stated James Whitehurst, the interim CEO. “He is leaving the company, and definitely did not get a large pink slip palm-slammed on his desk this morning. We wish him the best, but you know, not really.”
Other members of the organization shared their thoughts on Riccitiello’s run as CEO.
“John had a lot of bad ideas. So many, it was honestly impressive,” said Roelof Botha, the lead independent director of Unity. “Honestly the only reason we kept him on so long was because it truly was such an anomaly. And you know what, that’s on us. That’s our bad. So long John, thanks for the memories.”
Riccitiello himself put out a public statement regarding his departure.
“Goodbye to everyone,” began a screenshot from the notes app on Riccitiello’s phone. “I am leaving now, as I am needed elsewhere. This was my decision, and I definitely did not take it lightly. I definitely put a lot of careful thought into it, but I must move on. Oh, and to anyone who downloaded this apology on their phone, you owe me five bucks.”
At press time, a vacant seat at Unity was left open for whoever could come up with the dumbest, greediest idea possible.