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BREAKING: Standing On Fire Hurts

EL PASO, Texas — A diligent, intrepid citizen burned his legs to a crisp after testing if standing on fire would hurt or not while camping with friends, sources have confirmed.

“Well you can never be sure if there is any environmental damage or if the fire is for real,” said Scott Meyers, squeezing another bottle of aloe vera on his medium well-done legs. “I guess it’s worth checking just so you know. Cross your fingers that it won’t hurt too much. Sometimes when I go camping I get lucky and the fire doesn’t hurt me at all.”

Meyers has been testing fires and hazards for years, making sure that the real life appearances of things match their behavior and don’t break his immersion.

“I remember one time I was checking if friendly fire and melee attacks were enabled” continued Meyers, recounting the time he was banned from laser tag. “Someone had to make sure.”

One local shopkeeper has voiced his objections to Meyer’s scrutinizing attention to the world around him. 

“He barreled through my thrift store and touched every item he could,” said Sue Waller, owner of Sue’s Vintage Treasures, as she cleaned up the damage left by Meyers’ recent visit. “He quite literally was trying to destroy everything he could. I tried to put ‘Do not touch’ signs on everything, but it didn’t stop him. He then walked all over the broken glass and started taking notes.”

At press time, Meyers was found at the bottom of a cliff after checking for fall damage. His immediate family says they will announce the funeral proceedings once arrangements have been made.