SANTA MONICA — Activision Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick announced he is stepping down from his executive role at the video game holding company in order to spend more time hurling abuse at his loved ones, sources confirm.
“After more than three decades in the gaming industry, I’m beginning to reevaluate my priorities,” said Kotick at a press conference. “I have an ex-wife who has barely heard a single insult from me recently as I’ve been so busy. It breaks my heart to know that she’s had years of growth and experience where I haven’t been there to criticize and belittle her.”
Some of Kotick’s children were not excited about the prospect of their dad spending more time at home.
“I wish he’d stay at work,” said one of Kotick’s daughters, who asked to remain anonymous. “My friend’s mom forgot to coordinate with him about a pick up time after school and she got a voicemail from him where he says he’s going to have her killed.”
Some of Kotick’s peers also questioned his decision.
“Man, they literally had to force me out of my abusive executive position,” said another former executive. “I would have never left by choice. There’s just so much more opportunity at the office. Sure you can really do a number on a couple kids but at the office there are hundreds of people you can make feel like they live in hell. There’s just nothing like it.”
At press time, Kotick was seen screaming at his children, accusing them of causing all of their family’s problems by unionizing.
