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Biden Increasingly Concerned About Giant Monsters After Watching ‘Godzilla vs. Kong’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden has shifted his stance on the threat posed by giant monsters after viewing Adam Wingard’s 2021 film “Godzilla vs. Kong”, a social media post revealed.

“Let me be clear: America will not be caught off guard by the emergence of any daikaiju, whether it’s a nuclear dinosaur or an enormous gorilla,” read a post from the president on X, formerly Twitter. “My administration has pledged to invest billions of dollars into anti-monster technology. We’re putting together a crack team to build an unprecedented weapons system known as Mecha-Godzilla — and, folks, this one won’t gain sentience and run amok. The giant robots of tomorrow will be built in America.”

Some figures in the media were critical of President Biden’s sudden focus on colossal mutant creatures.

“More woke nonsense from the White House,” said failed comedian and Fox News talk show host Greg Gutfeld. “You’ll notice that Biden uses gender-neutral pronouns when he talks about these monsters. Come on. Godzilla is a guy. Everyone knows that. Also, it’s King Kong! I mean, it doesn’t get much more masculine than that. How can we expect this administration to protect us from Ghidorah and Rodan when they’re too afraid to properly address them?”

While some high-ranking administration officials were reportedly caught off guard by Biden’s new stance, Vice President Harris fielded questions about the post after attending a park bench dedication.

“President Biden and I both have a deep understanding of Godzilla and all of his rivals,” said the vice president. “We understand exactly how difficult it is to defeat such formidable monstrosities. For instance, Godzilla was only able to best Destoroyah by harnessing the enormous power granted to him by his ongoing meltdown. He knew that the effort would also kill him, but he accepted his fate. He knew that his time was over. And because of his sacrifice, Godzilla Jr. was able to rise up and take his rightful place as the new King of the Monsters. I know I love that message, and I think Joe does, too.”

At press time, Biden had ordered a shutdown of the entire Chuck E. Cheese franchise after seeing a showing of “Five Nights at Freddy’s.”