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NPC Starting to Think He’s the Only One Player Hasn’t Fucked

LAST LIGHT INN — A wizard named Gale has become suspicious that he is the only member of his party who has not slept with the group’s de facto leader, sources close to the situation have confirmed.

“Tav isn’t being as subtle as he thinks,” said Gale. “I’ve seen him sneaking off with Shadowheart. And Lae’zel. And Karlach. And Astarion. Hells, I’m pretty sure he was making eyes at Withers the other day. Last night he strolled back into camp with Halsin while he was still a bear! How many magic lessons do I have to offer this guy before he gets the message?”

The party leader in question, Tav, said that he had done nothing untoward with any of his traveling companions.

“I have immense respect for every member of my party,” said Tav, a Paladin who restarted his statement five times before being satisfied. “It’s unfortunate — but inevitable — that I can’t spend as much time as I would like with some of them. Sometimes, it just makes more sense to take a Warlock on a quest rather than a Wizard. Sometimes, we need to go heavy on melee to defeat a certain enemy. And sometimes, a creepy dude in a robe offers to teach you a neat magic trick and then you catch him sniffing your hair. It’s all about balance.”

A local Bugbear spoke out in Tav’s defense.

“You don’t get to pick who you love,” said Grukkoh, who had emerged from a nearby partially-collapsed barn. “You just feel how you feel, you know? Frankly, it’s no one’s business. Imagine how rude you would have to be to snoop around to find out who someone is sleeping with. No one really does that, right? Right?”

At press time, Gale was overheard hinting that he was hungry for a magical item and implying that Tav’s genitals would qualify.

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