KEMAH, Texas — Local man John Hoffman has been hit with a class-action lawsuit after reportedly failing to install carbon monoxide meters in a range of Animal Crossing villagers’ holiday homes.
“It’s a video game. The characters can’t feel anything, and even if they could, they’re not real. Animal Crossing doesn’t even have carbon monoxide meters,” said Hoffman, who works as an interior designer for Paradise Planning, a resort offering bespoke accommodations. “My lawyer and I are considering this a prank of some sort, and have faith this will be dismissed in due time. Whoever is behind this, it isn’t funny.”
Mr. Resetti, the lawyer representing the class, agreed on that point; the various safety risks posed by Paradise Planning and the designer in question were no laughing matter.
“I have a fair bit of experience dealing with punks like the Defendant in this case due to spending some 15 years maintaining the integrity of space-time. These kids think they can play with real people’s lives, that it doesn’t matter, but they fail to see the clear consequences of their actions! Forget CO3; what if a fire breaks out, or an earthquake strikes? No precautions have been taken to account for very apparent risks and it boils my blood. Imagine how the people this reckless little cheat has put in harm’s way feel?”
One such person, Class Representative Eunice, gave her thoughts on the conditions at Paradise Planning at an appearance in a pre-trial hearing earlier this week.
“I was stunned. I’d told the designer in charge of my home—the Defendant—that I wanted a private reading room filled to the brim with books. I arrived at the resort to find a single bookshelf, a stack of manga and a week-old mojito left on the floor, surrounded by a bunch of creepy-looking dolls and a radio that played the same song on repeat. The wall was painted over with the same movie poster 50 times over and a rug that smelled of piss covered most of the floor. There was no bed, no bathroom and no food in sight.”
Eunice went on to confirm for those present that she was delighted with her home and that she’d been spending the vast majority of her time in the last few weeks reading there.
