PARMA, Ohio — Local Animal Crossing: New Horizons player, Theresa Marks, reportedly plans to bury her government check for $1,200 as soon as she gets it, according to confused sources.
“I’m kind of an expert in smacking rocks to get bells and shaking trees to find hidden coins,” said Marks. “I know a lot of noobs are going to just bury the check outright, for a total of $3,600. Apparently you can bury up to $10,000 though, so I’m going to take out my entire life savings and make a goddamn money tree.”
Since losing her job due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Marks has been doing everything she can to make some extra cash in the real world.
“I’ve been collecting every bug and picking every flower I can, but I cannot find a single raccoon to start selling these to,” she explained. “Oh well, maybe I can shoot a balloon out of the sky and turn my luck around!”
As of press time, Marks said that she plans on using the money to pay her rent, stock up on toilet paper, and finally install honeycomb tile flooring for her home.
Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:
