Press "Enter" to skip to content

Amusement Park Guest Who Can’t Find Exit Notices Food Prices Have Suddenly Skyrocketed

Local tycoon introduces new theme park pricing scheme

CRAZY CASTLE — A guest who was unsuccessfully trying to leave a local theme park noticed a sharp rise in concession prices, tired and hungry sources have confirmed.

“I was just trying to wrap up a fun day of riding roller coasters and thrill rides,” said Katie Rodger, who said she could have sworn her name used to be Guest 114. “I walked back towards where I had entered the park — or, at least, where I  thought I had entered the park. I was sure the exit was around here somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it. I figured I would grab a burger and a drink to give me some extra energy while I was searching, but the prices have gone through the roof! Soda was a buck-fifty when I arrived at the park a few hours ago. Now, a single soda will set you back ten dollars! I sure hope it doesn’t rain, since umbrellas are now twenty bucks a pop.”

The owner of the park was forthcoming about this new pricing strategy.

“It’s an easy way to squeeze a few extra bucks out of these little guys,” said Clyde Dylan, a local tycoon who started developing the park by taking out low-interest loans two years ago. “You get them with the entry admission, sure, and they’ve got to pay to get on any of the rides, but then some of them just leave without buying any food. That’s practically picking my pocket. By bulldozing the path to the exit, I make sure that they stick around long enough to get hungry. And since they’ve got nowhere else to go, I can set the prices as high as I want. I just need to make sure that I have plenty of Cash Machines in the joint.”

Industry analyst Barbara Hartnell noted that Dylan’s practices will likely become industry standard.

“Amusement parks have always tried to extend guest stay times to be as long as possible,” said Hartnell. “Like casinos, they have long been designed to be disorienting and engineered to let traffic flow in circles, away from exits. Completely removing the ability to leave is the obvious next step. As for increasing prices, hey, that’s just reality. Everybody who goes to the Magic Kingdom understands that they’re going to have to dole out for the Disney tax.”

At press time, Rodger was seen paying seventeen dollars in order to use the restroom.

We\'re giving away 50 Hard Drive t-shirts and other merch items to Patrons this week.
Become a patron at Patreon!