NEW YORK — Local villain-turned-antihero Venom noticed today that his weakness to loud noises has been significantly reduced as the symbiote has grown older, sources close to the situation confirm.
“It’s a bit bittersweet,” said Venom’s offspring, Carnage. “On the one hand, I’m glad to know that he’s starting to rot. The fact that he is one step closer to death — potentially a brutal and violent one by my hands — brings me immense joy. Simultaneously, it means that the grim specter of doom looms a bit larger over me, as well. Ah, well. I’ll just have to try and kill as much as I can before my own time comes.”
Spider-man, Venom’s former host and current rival, said he could relate to the creature’s struggle with getting older.
“Heh, I guess even alien parasites can’t win against Father Time,” said the hero. “Back in high sch— I mean, when I first met Venom, I had that high-pitched buzzing that old people couldn’t hear as my ringtone. Even that used to bring him to his knees. These days, the only thing that works is cranking up the volume on one of those old Bose stereos.”
The local scientific community has been abuzz with the implications of this development.
“It’s one of those things that shocks you, even though it makes complete sense,” said Dr. Curtis Connors, who runs a lab at Empire State University. “A natural, biological deficiency being turned to your advantage? It almost makes you want to reformulate all your limb generation serums to enhance the reptile-related side effects rather than diminish them. Who knows what sorts of powers one might gain?”
When reached for comment, Venom replied, “What?”