REDMOND, Wash. — A new patch to this year’s Advance Wars 1+2: Re-Boot Camp will now task players with delivering the news of each unit’s death to their immediate family, sources have confirmed.
“Okay, that seems a little far,” said local gamer Maria Riley, upon opening the game and learning of the forced update. “First I had to wait over a year for this remastered games from two decades ago to come out because of the war in Ukraine, and then when I finally get my hands on it you’re making me spend 45 minutes after every battle going to various towns in America and telling them their son or husband was lost in a hail of rockets via long and emotional dialogue scenes? I think I’m just gonna play Mario Kart or something.”
The developers of Advance Wars stood by their decision to reflect the weight of the wartime atrocities depicted in their strategy game.
“Although our games may appear to be harmless depictions of a fictional war, it’s actually of the utmost importance that we do everything we can to remind users of the horrors of real war while they play it,” said James Montagna, director of Advance Wars 1+2: Re-Boot Camp. “That’s why in addition to notifying family members in game of their loved one’s ultimate sacrifice, you will also have to endure a grueling six week boot camp, six weeks in real life I mean, before you can start the game’s campaign. It’s absolute hell for the player. We’re very excited.”
The new patch for the game is now available. As of press time, Nintendo had set up a table at a nearby shopping mall in an effort to recruit new Advance Wars players.
