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Activision-Blizzard Announces New Tool to Let Players Measure the Craniums of Characters

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision-Blizzard has announced a new tool for their video games that will allow players to measure the skulls of their characters, according to a new blog post.

“We are extremely committed to introducing diversity to our games, and we know that people of all different races and ethnicities are special for all sorts of reasons. That’s why we are excited for our new skull-measuring feature that will allow players to assess each character’s race-based stats for themselves,” reads the Activision-Blizzard blog post about the innovative new tool. “We want gamers to be able to see themselves in these characters instead of just the same group of boring white guys — because, as we all know, being white guys gives them specific abilities and attributes that are inherent to them biologically. Right? Man, it feels so good to be the good guys for once. Activision-Blizzard is looking up!”

According to the company, this is only the first in a series of developments coming to all Activision-Blizzard games.

“And we are 100% sure we know what you’re thinking: this cranium measurement tool doesn’t go far enough to add diversity to the game. You’re right,” the blog continues. “That’s why we’re also excited to announce that we are going to be adding tools that lets players assess all sorts of diversity attributes of our players. You’re going to be able to push characters onto the ground to see how abled they are, you’re going to be able to call in a carnival guy to determine character’s weights, and you’re going to be able to force characters to sit on a chair weirdly to determine if they’re bisexual. I read about that last on Tumblr. Who knew there’s so many cool diversity stats out there?”

At press time, Activision-Blizzard revealed that the new tool had been created by a new mustachioed developer named Lobby Brotick.