SILENT HILL, ME – Earlier this week, head of Silent Hill government Mira the dog made the announcement that the city has finally purchased a dehumidifier to deal with the area’s problematic fog.
The good girl held a press conference on Monday morning to elaborate.
“It’s a massive public safety issue, with approximately 60% of inbound traffic driving off the road and becoming stuck in purgatory,” said Mira to the one journalist who wasn’t sucked into the Otherworld on the drive in. “But it really is a beautiful town. Sad to say nobody can see that without being blocked by a wall of smoke and negative Yelp reviews. We try to clear up the latter, it’s about time we did the same to the former.”
With the city’s annual tax revenue of four dollars, the public works department was able to find a dehumidifier on Craigslist that only took 11 years off of the budget. The item was purchased from Sam Bartlett, former mayor of nearby Shepherd’s Glen who listed the equipment as ‘slightly used’ and said they just want to avoid being ‘buried alive’ in maintenance.
Residents, meanwhile, appear optimistic about the acquisition.
“Took ‘em long enough,” said local religious and homeowner association leader Dahlia Gillespie. “If I have to perform one more exsanguination where I can’t make out who’s in front of me, it’s gonna be hell to pay. We worship the Sun god for crying out loud, it’d be nice to see him once in a blue moon without having to eat a baby.”
“Let’s be honest, our tourism industry has taken a bit of a dip,” continued Mira. “Most of our visitors are despondent widowers, their demon children and aliens we don’t talk about. The few who make it in aren’t treated very well by locals, which is an attitude we need to work on. Rest assured, this is just the first step towards a brighter future for our beloved home.”
It remains to be seen how the project will pan out, but it’s a safe bet that the dehumidifier was probably actually dead the entire time.
