The release of the Nintendo Music app is exciting for many reasons. Not only do we now have high quality tracks from our favorite games from the past 40 years, but we can organize those tracks seamlessly into a sex playlist! Don’t act like you haven’t thought of doing it. To get the ball rolling, here are the top 10 best Nintendo tracks for when things are getting hot and heavy. And yes, these have been playtested.
“K.K. Cruisin’ ” – Animal Crossing
If you want to surprise your partner after a rough day of work with a sexy, fun evening all you need to do is turn down the lights, pour some wine, and put on this R&B banger. Once K.K. Slider’s silky smooth vocals kick in, neither of will be thinking about deadlines or bosses or repaying those bells you borrowed.
GCN Waluigi Stadium – Mario Kart 8
Truth be told there’s nothing remotely sexual about this, like at all. But for some reason anything Waluigi related is an instant aphrodisiac like ginkgo biloba or those boner pills you find in gas station bathrooms. Sneak this in between “Let’s Get It On” and “Sexual Healing”, you can thank us later.
Wii Shop Channel – Wii
Shopping at a time like this? Well no, but if you need to last longer and can’t distract yourself by thinking of baseball (Super Mario Sluggers hasn’t been added yet), set this in the middle of your playlist and sing the lyrics to “Update Day” in your head. It should buy you four or five more minutes, but the way Jay McCaroll says “Harvest Moon” will put you at a 40% chance of premature ejaculation.
Aquatic Ambiance – Donkey Kong Country
It’s one of the greatest ambient tracks produced via any medium, and it’s stood the test of time because there’s always been something sensual about a serene, tranquil underwater setting where you’re stabbing piranhas with a swordfish. The ethereal synths will heighten your senses for a purely transcendental experience. Bonus points if you’re banging on a water bed.
Meta Ridley Battle – Metroid Prime
Nothing like a little industrial/techno to get the heart racing, but there’s also the subtext of the unending blood feud between Samus and Ridley to drive that intensity between the sheets. Set this one to repeat and neither of you will be able to walk the next day.
In the Guardian’s Sights – Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
If you need your partner to wrap it up or you’re just down for a quickie, there’s nothing like a panic-inducing piano tune to trigger their flight or fight response. Trust us, everyone who played BotW has PTSD from this song and the human body is capable of doing some surprising things when they think about having a laser beam pointed at them.
Happy Little Workers/Grizzco – Splatoon 3
Hear us out! The Grizzco theme’s unsettling tone and lack of consistent rhythm perfectly suits any bedroom adorned with chains, whips, and handcuffs. What’s hotter than making your sub run around collecting eggs for you? On the flipside, the song also works for when the sex was trash and you want them out of your apartment as quickly as possible.
Fever – Dr. Mario
The ol’ doctor and patient roleplay is timeless, and who better to help fulfill those fantasies than Mario himself? Oh sure the upbeat chiptune Game Boy music may seem out of place at first, but when you’re in the middle of “thoroughly checking someone’s vitals” nobody is going to care. It’s about making it as real as possible! Plus it’ll also serve as a reminder to get checked for STDs.
The Entire Soundtrack – Super Mario Galaxy
If there’s two things in life you don’t forget, it’s the day you lost your virginity and the day you booted up Super Mario Galaxy for the first time. The vast majority of arrangements that make up the game’s one hour and thirty minute soundtrack are better than sex, so even if you just end up doing hand stuff it’ll feel like the first time over and over.
The Star Allies Have Your Back! – Kirby Star Allies
What is an orgy but a group of allies working toward a common goal of a continuous three hour orgasm? Like the game’s epic finale where all of Kirby’s friends throughout the game come together to destroy Void Termina, you and the 30 people who answered your Craigslist ad will come together and destroy the limits of ecstasy.
