SAN FRANCISCO — Gaming company Twitch reportedly sent an enforcer known only as “Donnie” to a local streamer’s home today to collect the company’s cut of a Papa Johns ad on the streamer’s VOD, according to terrified sources.
“You gotta Papa Johns ad that’s more than 3% of the screen on your livestream? And it was a burned-in animated gif?! Then yea, Twitch is gonna wanna collect on its share! Where’s the fuckin Papa Johns money, you dumb pile-a fuck?!” Donnie said, swinging a baseball bat into the streamer’s $4,500 gaming rig. “I’m gonna come back here tomorrow and if 50% of that greasy pizza motherfucker’s money isn’t in my hand, you’re gonna be in a world of hurt. Fuck you!”
Twitch streamers are reportedly terrified of the new policy, which has many of them fearing for their physical safety.
“It feels like Twitch isn’t OK with the idea of people making money without them getting a cut. It’s freaking bogus!” said one streamer who wished to remain anonymous, but we’re like pretty sure was xQc. “I’m fearing for my safety, man. I’m not a big guy! I can hit ’em with the juicer, but that’s all I got!”
Despite fears, Twitch has insisted that the policy needs to stay in place in order for streamers’ protection.
“We protect our streamers, so long as they kick back a little bit of money to the company. That’s what they’re paying for,” explained Twitch CEO Dan Clancy. “If these people were off on their own, who knows what kind of trouble they’d get into? Gambling debt, racial slur scandals, sexting with underage fans… OK, yeah, to be fair, they all still do that. But they still need to pay up.”
At press time, the company clarified that if it didn’t have a streamer’s address, it was fine with just sending hordes of virtual haters to their livestreams.