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Tinder Announces Switch to Skill-Based Matchmaking

Los Angeles – Popular dating app and general hellhole Tinder is reportedly making the switch to skill-based matchmaking, Tinder CEO Faye Losotaluno announced in a press conference Monday.

“We’ve been getting a lot of feedback from our more experienced users,” said Losotaluno. “And these certified sexperts are sick of being paired up with lame-o newbies who can’t hold a conversation to save their lives.”

Losotaluno went on to outline exactly how the new system will work.

“We have already begun the process of assigning all of our users with individual ranks to determine skill level. The ranks, from lowest to highest, are Virgin, Amateur, Pro, Sexpert, Shag Champion, and Legendary Eagle Master, each with their own numbered subranks. Rest assured we are assigning these ranks with no bias whatsoever. I myself am only Sexpert III at this time, but am hoping to rank up soon.”

To wrap up the press conference, Losotaluno spoke of exciting next steps for the app and reassured those who might be frightened of the change.

“Once the ranking system is fully implemented, we really want to focus on multiplayer integration. Our goal is to allow our polyamorous users to ‘party up’ with one another and search for their hook-ups collaboratively. Don’t worry, though, as those of our users who want the more classic, old-school Tinder will still be able to use the app without worrying about rank in what we’re calling Casual Mode.”

Other dating app companies have been notably silent about the change, although the official Twitter account for Bumble followed with an announcement of their own, revealing that Bumble users will no longer be able to view photos of one another before matching.

Tinder users were quick to respond to the sudden change online, with Laura Peterman, 27, tweeting, “Wake up y’all they nerfed incels.”

Other users, however, have been much more critical of the switch. Derrick Castellano, 26, posted Monday, “Tinder rank system is bogus. 50 matches this week and they’ve got me stuck at Amateur II.”

When we reached out to Derrick via DM, we discovered that he had yet to message any of his 50 matches, claiming he’s “holding out for someone better.” We also discovered Derrick is actually 34 years old, and has not updated his pictures since college.

At press time, your friend Walker has already created three smurf accounts on Tinder.

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