LONDON — Common sense prevailed today as a slight problem with the OS Windows was solved with the massive inconvenience of switching to Linux, sweaty sources confirmed.
“I kept getting a message asking me to update my Windows version,” said new Linux convert Adam Morgan. “I got frustrated by it, but then I remembered that my buddy Donnie had mentioned that Linux is better a few hundred times, mostly when completely unprompted. I finally took his advice and spent hours watching videos on which operating system would be best for me. Only four days and three freakouts later, I was done, had a new operating system installed, and I fucking despise it. I don’t want to use the command line constantly. I’m not in an episode of CSI where they need to fake hacking. I just want to play Steam games, but that shit is impossible now. Fuck you, Donnie.”
Despite Morgan’s frustration with his new operating system, those close to him still insisted that it was the superior OS for everyone.
“I’m glad Adam finally saw the light,” said psychopathic Linux acolyte Donnie Oakes. “When people start realizing that the best OS is not only free, but simple to use, they’ll switch over en masse from Shitdows. It couldn’t be easier to use Steam, for example. All you have to do is install Steam for Linux, Google ‘How to run my game on Linux,’ follow four different solutions that work for everyone else but somehow don’t work for you, write your own post on a Linux message board, wait for the other fifteen people there to respond, and then just use VMWare to run a Windows box to play it in. Then, you can finally have some peace, never having to deal with those annoying Windows update notifications again.”
According to the creator, the inconvenient elements of Linux were a feature, not a bug, meant to attract a specific type of user.
“I developed Linux specifically for weirdos,” said Linus Torvalds, who started programming Linux in 1991. “Windows had already existed for a while, and it was getting too popular. I wanted to give pretentious tech virgins something to call their own. So, I designed Linux to be so confusing that no regular person would ever use it. Take the names of different distros — Ubuntu, Kali Linux, Centox, Arch Linux, Debian. What’s the difference between all these? Nothing really. There’s just so many of them to confuse and divide the nerds who download them. And they love it. Look at them. There are few things more enjoyable than seeing these mouth breathing geeks try to draw a circle in GIMP.”
At press time, Morgan had punched through his computer monitor when he started believing that Tux the Linux penguin was smugly taunting him.