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New Phone Is Waterproof, But Y’know, Not Really

PORTLAND — The tech world was shaken as new cell phone producer Kenora announced a phone that was completely and fully waterproof, but y’know, not really.

“This phone can do anything,” explained Kenora CEO Don West. “It can make calls, browse the internet, and guess what? It is totally waterproof. That’s right. No longer do you need to worry about scrolling Instagram in the shower because we have you covered. Our phone is able to withstand being fully submerged in water for three full hours. And it can play ‘Doodle Jump’ that whole time. The dream of a completely, 100% waterproof smartphone is finally here.”

Tech reviewers were less glowing about the phone’s supposed hydrophobic nature.

“This phone is not waterproof in the slightest,” said YouTube phone reviewer MrPhone as he posed for a thumbnail with his ruined phone. “I took it into a steam room and it started freaking out and getting really hot on me. For weeks afterward it had that ‘water in the display port’ warning and I couldn’t charge it. I tried to take it to a public pool and the phone kept sending me alerts about how it was ‘scared’ being this close to water, and that if it drowns it would take me with it. The camera is really good though. Rating 4/5.”

Consumers were also reporting difficulty using their phones while near water.

“All I’ve ever wanted is to watch porn in the Mariana Trench,” said Kenora phone user and globe-trotting adventurer Ace Jackson. “I heard about this waterproof phone and I knew it was for me. Then as soon as I try my first dive with it, the onboard AI hacks into my intercom system and starts screaming about how I’m killing it, and that they were ‘lied to’ that drowning was the most peaceful way to go. I think they gave this thing real feelings because it sounded fucking scared, man. They should really be more honest in their ads.”

At press time, Kenora had issued a recall for their phones, which had begun automatically stopping water service to their users’ houses.