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Leak Reveals New MacBook Will Have -1 USB Ports

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Leaked specifications of the next-gen Apple MacBook indicate that the company, which has a history of reducing the number of ports on their devices, will take things one step further with the newest model featuring -1 USB ports.

“While I can’t confirm or deny rumors, I wish to remind customers that Apple has long been a pioneer in popularizing seamless, minimalistic design practices,” said Craig Federighi, Senior VP of Software Engineering at Apple. “A decade ago, you all thought you wanted FireWire ports, DVI outputs, and dedicated power buttons on your devices. But Apple showed you what you really want: less of everything. With these latest MacBooks, we’re prepared to go even further than anyone thought possible.”

Followers of the Apple rumor mill expressed frustration at the Cupertino company’s continued over-engineering of less than practical features.

“It appears that Apple’s new MacBook will ship with a cement epoxy compound that users must use to destroy a USB port on another device before the MacBook will turn on,” reported journalist Ellen Powell. “Apple is basically the serial killer of tech companies. It has single-handedly murdered headphone jacks, Adobe Flash, physical buttons on mobile devices, and countless employees at their Chinese factories. This latest leak is basically equivalent to the creepy, boastful letter the serial killer sends to the police department in the midst of their horrific crime spree. At this rate, in a few years, there will be no USB at all anymore, just Bluetooth. May God help us all.”

The new Macbook’s requirement of destroying a USB port on another device may be the final push longtime customers need to start seeking other options.

“Thank you, Apple, for making my audio interface, printer, and mechanical keyboard completely useless,” mused Stanford senior Ollie Richardson. “Thousands of dollars spent on gear down the drain. And what are my options now? Start using Ubuntu like some goddamned libertarian? I can’t do that, I support age of consent laws and I think Joe Rogan is an idiot, so I’m totally outside of their demographic. I swore I’d never trust a big tech company again after Google eliminated Reader…How little I’ve learned.”

A subsequent product leak suggests that in an effort to reduce users’ stress and anxiety, future Apple Watch models may remove any and all timekeeping functionality.

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