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Finance Bro Launches Hostile Takeover of Conversation

NEW YORK — Local finance bro Derrick Bland today initiated a hostile takeover of the casual conversation he overheard at a friend’s birthday dinner, according to interrupted sources. 

“We were talking about our kids’ baseball teams and suddenly this guy with an undercut leans over to our table, points to his watch, and goes on this whole rant about real estate arbitrage and how he’s going to rent out his parent’s extra bedroom to buy a bitcoin miner or whatever,” said one acquaintance, who further denied liking Bland in the first place. “He didn’t apologize or ask us anything about ourselves, but he did ask if we’d read Rich Dad Poor Dad, which I guess must be some kind of self help book for nerds.”

Experts were not particularly stunned by the conversational takeover, given Bland’s history of aggressive moves in the social marketplace.

“In previous social environments, Derrick has shown time and time again that he is not afraid to take risks,” said Mark Harmon, a longtime business associate and financial columnist. “Remember, this is the guy who took over an entire subway train in Q1 2020 to talk loudly on his cellphone about the repair bill for his broken rowing machine. He’s a hotshot, and in the attention marketplace, he’ll fight for a larger and larger share until he has total control of the board.”

Bland, for his part, sees the takeover as the first of many planned for the greater tri-state area.

“I’m looking to expand my operations beyond New York City,” he said, in response to a question no one asked. “The grind never sleeps, so I’m prepared to aggressively move into discussions that have absolutely nothing to do with me if that’s what it takes to make my personal brand known. I’ve been developing proprietary business technology that will allow me to interrupt strangers’ phone conversations with my thoughts on municipal bond markets and/or intermittent fasting. Who knows what the future will hold? I mean, I do. I know everything.”

As of press time, Bland was ignoring repeated attempts by other people to say something about their interests for once.

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