NEW YORK — Tech billionaire and self-proclaimed memelord Elon Musk purchased nearly 10% of Twitter stock today, worth about $2.89 billion, making him the largest owner of the app that owns him every single day.
“Elon Musk can own 9% of Twitter, but Twitter owns him 100% of the time. It’s sad, really,” said tech analyst Camilla Daly. “Every day on Twitter is just a constant war between people posting upsetting facts about Elon Musk and the people literally willing to die for a chance of him liking one of their tweets. But as long as there’s new controversies, the battles rage on. You think one day Elon Musk has done literally every embarrassing or evil thing he could possibly do and then bam, you find out his scientists tortured a bunch of monkeys to death or whatever. If he thinks owning Twitter is gonna stop Twitter from owning him, he’s in for a world of hurt. Like twelve children trapped in a Thai cave in 2018 once said to Elon, ‘this is literally not going to help at all.’”
In a statement, Musk explained that he had purchased the social media platform in an attempt to protect freedom of speech for its users.
“The thing is, I just find that freedom of speech is really…….. Epic!” Musk said, smirking, at a press conference. “People really can’t say what they want to anymore. It’s really cringe. I want to make Twitter a good boy. I want to pat it on its head like a good doggo. Lol [he said this outloud, like ‘lawl.’]. People say that money can’t buy happiness, but I feel so happy right now. Happiness to the moon! Haha. Chungus! Free speech! People should be able to say anything they want. Literally anything other than conversations with each other about trying to unionize. Oh man, I can’t believe I bought so much Twitter! It’s so funny. I can’t wait to see everyone’s reaction to this online. People are going to really freak out. It’s going to be le epic troll face meme! People are gonna love this one. People are gonna think I’m so funny.”
At press time, however, a source close to Twitter revealed that Musk had actually purchased 9.2% of the company’s stock in an attempt to break into his ex-girlfriend Grimes’ private messages to see if she has been flirting with anybody.