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Elon Musk Announces He’s Raising His Son Without Pronouns or Friends

SAN FRANCISCO — Tesla, Inc. CEO Elon Musk announced today that he will be raising his son X Æ A-Xii without pronouns or friends in order to “own libs” online.

“People online get mad heated whenever I post memes about pronouns, it’s super cringe 100,” said the 49-year-old billionaire. “That’s why I’m going to epically own them all by raising X Æ A-Xii entirely without any pronouns at all! Whenever I want to refer to X Æ A-Xii, I’ll just say X Æ A-Xii in full. The cringe Twitter nerds are gonna flip and it’s gonna be hilarious! And they’re like ‘oh but then X Æ A-Xii won’t have any friends because X Æ A-Xii’s dad will be insufferable to be around.’ Yeah well that’s just a double own because all friends do is hold you back from being an entrepreneur. I’ve never had them my whole life and look how I turned out.”

Despite having a massive online following, the response to Musk’s announcement has been mixed.

“Oh my GOD, Elon Musk is the absolute meme lord!!!!” said one Twitter user. “I wish Elon was MY dad because my parents fricking SUCK”

“the amount of time you have made the most bottom of the barrel jokes about using someone’s pronouns, you could have just said they/them a thousand times,” said another Twitter user.

“Elon please answer your phone,” said a third Twitter user. “This is John from the Tesla Board of Directors. Every time you post something, our stock shoots down. We cannot get a hold of you!!!”

At press time, Musk could not be reached to comment because he was busy responding to every picture of him with Ghislaine Maxwell to call the poster a pedophile.

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