SAN FRANCISCO — Shortly after stopping all rent payments on Twitter’s office space, Elon Musk has reportedly greenlit a new “Edit” button which will allow the CEO to change legal agreements with employees after they’ve been made.
“The edit button is a brilliant new idea that our naturally hirsute CEO, Elon Musk – who isn’t me – thought of one day all by himself in his giant genius brain, like he did with electric cars and tunnels,” said an anonymous high-level executive at Twitter. “By allowing Mr. Musk to fix any inconvenient parts of his employment contracts, the new edit button will help ensure the viability of such costly things as benefits, work-from-home arrangements, and whether or not employees are allowed to write mean things about me in public. I mean, things about Mr. Musk.”
Sonja Clark, a senior engineer with over a decade of experience at Twitter, was the first employee to experience firsthand the effects of the editing feature.
“Shortly after the edit button was made operational, I was fired via email because I refused to commute five hours to the office, as my contract suddenly required. So I left. I guess they changed their minds pretty quickly, because Elon called me thirty seconds later and demanded I fly to California to ‘figure all the wires out’ in his office,” said Clark, scrolling through the lengthy edit history of her employment contract. “He said he’d undo the changes, but that I needed to ‘level up my hardcoreness [sic]’ to stay at the company. After consulting a lawyer, I advised Elon that he needed to eat my entire ass. You can guess how that went over. I’m currently looking for positions with other employers, though I do hold out hope that Elon will in fact do the right thing in the end and eat my entire ass.”
Twitter users and tech market watchers were generally divided over the announcement, though the site’s algorithms appeared to favor posts which praised it.
“Based Elon has finally made comedy legal again! Buy EL0N C1ONz now:” replied user Crypt0Eagle420 under a news story about the edit button, then shared a link to a cryptocurrency phishing scam.
At press time, Elon Musk had delayed the edit button until he could find someone who knew how to use it.