CLEVELAND — A precariously-dangling RCA splitter has somehow stood the test of time and will probably continue to do so, several housemates speculated today.
“I was there when we plugged it all in,” original apartment occupant Chris Deveraux explained. “2014. We had some old college buddies around. Smash Bros. Melee, Mario Party 2 and Worms World Party. It was only ever supposed to be temporary, but a time as good as that doesn’t end without a fight. Now, nine years and six housemates later, it’s a teetering landmark; a threatening but necessary organ of our beloved home theatre experience. We may pay the rent, but it’s the splitter’s home now.”
The 3-way splitter has far outlasted the original expectations set by its former residence in a Radio Shack discount bin. Despite the weight of the device leaving heavy fraying and an irreversible right-angled kink in the Video Out cord, Deveraux assured that a “wide berth” is “more than enough” to maintain picture quality.
“Changing channels is a delicate dance of weight distribution between finger and gravity,” current housemate Gillian Splinthe explained. “It’s not for the faint-hearted or those six beers deep into a Goldeneye session. We just get Chris to do it – partially because it’s his TV and we don’t want to mess it up, but mostly because it’s genuinely majestic to watch him work. The way he glides the switch across to the PlayStation setting, yet barely grazes a thing… I’ve wept. It’s like tai chi on a tightrope.”
Attempts to remove or replace the splitter have proven difficult. A complex web of HDMI cables and disused power supplies have grown to rely on the treacherous support of the box, much like an ivy vine choking a young tree.
“Don’t try to fix it,” friend Seth Gammit warned. “Don’t jiggle it. Don’t tap it. Don’t even breathe on it. We’ve all grown accustomed to the slight static snow on the screen. It’s better this way. I bumped it out of the socket once when I was trying to retrieve a laptop charger. What a pain in the ass. 45 minutes to reposition everything for some Diddy Kong Racing. I can’t explain the physics of it and I won’t investigate. Some of the universe’s secrets aren’t meant to be known.”
When Hard Drive attempted to verify the safety of the device for this story, a representative from the local fire department replied with an email that simply read “jesus christ” in the header field.
