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Aging Gamer Requests Atomic Purple CPAP Machine

GLEN ELLYN, Ill. — After recently developing chronic sleep apnea, aging gamer Sarah Aldridge requested that her newly prescribed CPAP machine come in atomic purple if at all possible.

“When my doctor told me they would have to order me a CPAP machine so I don’t stop breathing when I fall asleep, I asked if it was possible to get it in that clear atomic purple color, like those N64 controllers or old Mac computers” said Aldridge, 38, launching into a coughing fit. “Jungle green or ice blue would be fine too if they’re out though.”

Dr. Pete Richter, Aldridge’s primary care physician, was slightly confused by the unique request.

“I told her I would look into it,” said Richter, who also asked Aldridge to cut down on vaping. “But I’m not really sure how to break it to her that the machines only come in white or gray, and we don’t really get to pick which one. Honestly, she should just be glad we caught it soon enough so that she doesn’t end up choking on her own saliva during a REM cycle. Gamers, man.”

Aldridge continued to be more focused on the color of her machine’s outer shell rather than her newly diagnosed respiratory condition.

“What ever happened to those wacky color schemes, anyway?” asked Aldridge after reviewing a pamphlet titled The Dangers of Obstructive Sleep Apnea. “Remember playing Goldeneye with an electric orange controller? Video games used to be so much cooler back in the day. Or maybe I just took better care of myself when I was a kid.”

At press time, Aldridge had reportedly modified her stock CPAP machine to look like colorful ’90s technology, and was finally able to get a good night’s sleep.

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