SMORGBOTH’S CASTLE — Cassium, a local Wizard casting Fireball for the first time earlier today was surprised to learn that it hurts to have 2000-degree flames pouring out of his skin.
“Oh sweet Gods,” the severely-scalded spellcaster moaned from a medic’s bed after battle. “This hurts so goddamn much. I don’t know why I just assumed that it’d travel in a safe, self-contained arc towards an opponent. That’s literally the opposite of what fire does. You can’t even stop, drop and roll on a cobblestone dungeon floor. Ow. Owowowowow.”
The incident occurred when Cassium’s party spotted a lone Kobold during a routine dungeon crawl. Without approaching the creature or even consulting his colleagues, the Wizard stretched casually, exclaimed “check this shit out,” and immediately detonated his right arm in white-hot flame.
After some agonized flailing, Cassium’s team managed to beat the fire away using dirt and some cloth armor, mostly provided by the now-concerned Kobold.
“You see it all the time,” local Cleric Agapanthi explained. “You get these young, overly-confident magic practitioners, all worked up over their first epic quest, and they want to look like hot shit in front of the new party. Well, if you ignore basic occupational health and safety procedures, you’ll certainly be hot. The next time you try and cast something well above your level-grade, ask yourself: are you wearing long, ignitable sleeved robes? Is your beard bushy and unkempt from a lifestyle of traveling? Are you carrying a gnarled and extremely flammable wooden staff on your person? It’s common sense, people.”
“My advice to all young adventurers: be a Barbarian,” they added. “You just get mad about stuff. It’s super easy. Don’t overcomplicate things.”
The incident has renewed interest in Wizard safety, following a string of recent self-electrocutions, acid burns and frostbite. The Healers Guild recommend Wizards wear thick rubber boots, flame-retardant jackets and bright reflective vests, which they admit “sucks a lot of the mysticism” out of the profession.
“I just refuse to do it, now,” veteran Wizard representative Slothetir grizzled. “Way too dangerous. One time, we traversed a mystical mine to rescue a Dwarven king, and there’s this hallway lined with torches that’d release him from a goblin trap if you lit them all simultaneously. Of course, everyone turns to me, expecting life and limb. I didn’t see our oh-so-fearless Paladin sticking a singed hand up to do it.”
“I say no and tell them it’s a new union thing,” she said. “Our Archer calls bullshit and gets all up in my face; I say, how much gold are YOUR fingers worth? Well, to cut a long story short, our Beast Tamer died fighting a goblin horde and we started a Dwarven constitutional crisis, but at least I can still play the piano.”
As of press time, Cassium’s hope to perform a second Fireball attempt, while simultaneously casting a Freezing Sphere to “level it out this time,” has led his party to formally distance themselves.
