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Pokémon Card Collection Your Bully Stole Now Estimated to Be Worth Millions

YOUR HOMETOWN — A letter from your high school bully has informed you that apparently the binder full of Pokémon cards he stole from you in middle school is worth millions of dollars now, sources have confirmed. 

“Hey you stupid asshole,” began the hand written letter you received in the mail yesterday. “I found this nerd shit of yours in my basement and took it to the dorks at the strip mall and they said it was one of the best collections of Pokémon cards they’ve ever heard of and that it’s easily worth millions of dollars. Man, that must really suck for you, huh?” 

“I might sell them, I might not,” the letter concluded. “Either way, thanks for everything!” 

The employees at the hobby store stood by their appraisal. 

“That collection was unbelievable,” said Gary Hodge, assistant manager of The Hollow Deck Games & Cards, who was working when your old bully came in the other day. “I didn’t much care for the attitude on the man who threw the book on the counter and demanded I tell him what it was worth before he punched my lights out. But after I told him the good news he let me have a 1996 Pokémon Japanese Base Set No Rarity Symbol Holo Venusaur for my efforts, so I’m not complaining.” 

“Looks like we can take that summer vacation after all,” he exclaimed, apparently intending to sell the $55,000 card. 

Those close to you can’t believe you let something so expensive slip through your fingers. 

“Smooth move, ya ding dong,” said Ben, your next door neighbor, after overhearing you get upset in the yard. “Why didn’t ya just tell the principal or something on him? Or fought him? I would’ve kicked his ass, but that’s just me. You gotta learn to stand up for yourself once in a while, or else it could cost you. Oh but I guess you realize that now, huh?”

As of press time, every video game you regret selling to GameStop has once again skyrocketed in value.